~fallencity

Why is it really so hard to believe that long-distance relationships can work? I feel very alone at the moment, not only because I am far from the guy I love, but also because everyone is so skeptical and cynical about our relationship that the network of support isn't there. It isn't a surface thing either - people try to act happy for me, want to believe that it will work, but deep down they just can't. I see it in their eyes. Some are condescending towards me, thinking how naive I must be. Others pity me.

Interestingly, I wouldn't exist if it weren't for a successful long-distance relationship. My great-grandmother and great-grandfather met just once or twice before he went to the war - he was gone for 4 years. They could only converse through letters, too - but in the end they were married, and had my grandmother. 80 years ago it was commonplace. Now it seems that we have evolved to a point where marriages don't last and long-distance relationships are impossible - a very sad thing I think. So I figure that if Shin and I can make it (and it will be easier for us than my great-grandparents, thanks to emails and phonecalls) then we will deserve every praise, and no doubt will survive anything.

However, that doesn't really help me now. I don't want to prove everyone wrong about us - I would rather some support. I realise I am young. I realise that it is a big thing to commit to someone long term, let alone to someone in another country. But I think that the reward we'll get in the end will be far greater, and well worth the struggle. I don't want anyone else, because no one can make me feel the way he makes me feel.

I may only be 20, but this is the second time I've ever been in love.
The first guy didn't love me as much as I loved him. Shin gives me everything he can. So when I think of our future, my heart is glad - something which is new to me.

If we can have the life-long happiness my great-grandparents enjoyed until they died, how great would that be. People nowadays are so averse to taking the road less travelled, the road which requires more effort, so their rewards are small. You do, after all, reap what you sow.

For more of my thoughts, go to [link]

I year has passed since my heart was broken.

At that stage I believed I needed him, my now ex, but it turns out I was wrong.

Perhaps I should thank him, though in truth I believe he broke up with me much later than he should have, to prevent things going as sour as they did. But I digress.

I was defiant when he broke up with me - first in an attempt to show him I wasn't as he pictured me, later to prove I was better than him, that I was a phoenix given the chance to rise from the ashes.

It occured to me recently that I no longer wonder about him. I no longer care if I see him or not, what condition my hair and makeup are in if I do. I am over him.

I am better too. Before and during our relationship I was a cutter, a self-mutilator. He broke up with me - and I stopped. In the year that has passed I've only cut maybe twice, and as the year went on the urge to was less and less and less. I no longer label myself that way - I was a cutter.

Now I just wish someone else would see how I could compliment their life!

Hell, man im so tired. My dad gave me a lecture this morning telling me that i dont have enough time off. Everyone else is complaining that their parents are on their backs to study while mine are telling me to stop. Soigh.

My mummy is in hospital atm - she had a partial hip replacement done on tuesday, and she only turned 45 on friday. :S

I'm going pretty good otherwise. I'm finally over xzander and what the bastard did to me, so i can move on now. i made some new friends recently, and im having fun getting to know them and stuff. scool man.

How the hell do you tell if a guy is into you?

There's a guy in my karate class that I have the hots for - he's really sexy and also really nice (and I was starting to think that that was an impossible combination).

Now I'm trying to figure out if he's into me or not:
* He winks at me a lot
* He comes over to chat to me
* He is very friendly
* Last week he wished me luck by touching my leg

^ Does he like me? I tend to get the feeling yes he does. But I'm giving him the sign of "go ahead" and things arent moving. I dont know waht to do - am I being to subtle? I cant be too obvious at karate - it is bad ettiquette.

What do I do? I really like him.

Generally I'm calm, and I have karate to thank for that. Karate is what I look forward to. I'm currently looking for a guy in my karate club (and i have my eye on a few) because most of them - particularly those teaching like me - have a dedication and a depth that i dont see in many other guys.

I do have a few problemos at the moment. They are people.

1. Alexander - my ex.
He is a big problem for me. My feelings are so confused when it comes to him - and so is my mind. Very little unsettles me - but he does it just by walking into the same room.
In a few ways I love him. In many ways I hate him, or I want to. I can't forgive him for a lot of stuff, and I dont think I should absolve him of the stuff he did to me. Or absolve myself. But forgiveness is really about moving past it. And I need to move past him - and that happens to be really hard when you have to see that person often. He does karate. And it has to be the most valuable thing he ever gave me. But I sometimes wish he didn't do karate. Karate is light - and often I feel like he is a dark spot on it. On Tuesdays, I am technically a higher grade than him, and technically also his teacher. Everyone else respects me, including the black belts, because I have achieved my teacher's certificate. But Alexander does not respect me. I told him to do something the other day and he tried to contradict my authority. I see many things wrong with karate, but I don't tell him because I think he will ignore me or disregard my advice as inconsequential anyway, despite the fact that I am trying to improve his karate. He sees me for my colour belt (which is lower than his), when I wear a black and white belt because it indicates that I am more accomplished and know more than the average belt of my colour. I wish he would treat me as such - then I might be able to stand him.

2. My mother.
My mum is critical and judgemental. A lot of the time, particularly when she is upset or annoyed, she guilt trips me for being a cutter, and opens old wounds, and uses all the things I told her trying to explain my habit to make me feel worse. She always is telling me how much I don't love her, and how I wish I had a different mum. I cut because we couldn't communicate - and now I am punished because I finially did tell her things about me. She always tells me how she had a worse life than me, and how I have no excuse for being sad. She puts me down on an emotional level, and I cant trust her with my thoughts or feelings anymore. But she still asks me difficult questions, and hopes I will tell her about me. She somehow manages to turn everything I say into an attack on her. And it's a catch 22, cos I'm in trouble whether I say anything or not.

I have had a hard life. I've been emotionally abused, I've been beaten, I've been thrown, I've been through my parents divorce, a remarriage and an asshole of a stepfather, I've been made to feel like less than a person, less than a daughter, less than my stepsiblings. My real and pseudo fathers were abusive to me, and still are. I was a cutter, and I still think about it. I finally trusted someone with my heart, and he broke up with me, but not after he threw me against a wall for needing him. And more than once I've wanted to end it all.

But I'm still here. Fighting. Hoping there is such a things as karma cos its time that was paid out. Hoping there is someone out there I can give the remains of my heart to, without fear. Hoping that I will know it when I find that person, that I don't lose them. Hoping that I won't be turned in an evil mess because of myhardships. I don't want to be anything like my family, not like my ex,not like the one who got beaten, the person who scared others... I want to be me - and a nice version of me.

If there is a god, I pray it will let me be this person.